Tips for consoling someone with an eating disorder

I've had experience with trying to say the right thing to someone who is struggling with an eating disorder, as well as attempting to remain as sane as possible when someone offers me advice on dealing with my own recovery process. In either position, giving or receiving advice can be difficult.

Talking about any type of sensitive subject can lead to messy, undesirable situations–but these conversations should be avoided. People struggling with an eating disorder, depression, addiction or any other type of mental illness need to have some type of support system that they can go to release their thoughts and emotions. They need to know that it's okay to express how they're feeling–otherwise, they continue to strengthen their disease by keeping it a secret.

Here are a few tips that I've found to be useful (keep in mind, everyone is different) when trying to comfort someone who comes to you for support when dealing with an eating disorder.

Be empathetic, to a point. It's crucial that you try and empathize for the person that has come to you, so that you can understand what they are going through as much as possible. However, you need to realize that unless you actually have struggled with an eating disorder, there is a limit to how much of the situation you will be able to actually comprehend. Don't say things such as, "I know how you feel," because you most likely do not.

Tread lightly with questions. Since they have come to you for support they should be ready for you to ask questions. You'll need answers in order to be able to be as helpful as you can, but do not ambush them. You need to realize that they are in a fragile state. Your first job is to be a good listener for them, but once they're done sharing their story with you, feel free to ask appropriate questions that'll allow you to understand the situation more in depth.

Avoid ignorant comments. This is often a hard tip to master. It's difficult to know what the right thing to say when a loved one shares this kind of information with us, but here are a few comments that you should avoid at all costs. DO NOT say, "Why can't you just eat normally?" This is an ignorant comment because it puts the blame on them when they did not choose to be affected by this disease. Secondly, it's not that simple. If they knew the answer to this question, they wouldn't be coming to you in the first place.

My biggest support group: my parents.

You should also steer clear of commenting on how you perceive them, for example, "But you're already so skinny," or "I wish I was as small as you are." You can tell them this over and over again, but it won't make any difference. For many people battling an eating disorder, the disease may start off as an attempt to lose weight and change their appearance, but once it festers, it's all about control. These comments will only make the victim of the disease feel more guilty, confused, frustrated and possibly regretful for coming to you in the first place.

Establish a difference between them and the disease–they are not the same. When I was at my very worst during my journey with my eating disorder, my mom was such a good support system for me–mainly because she was able to separate my actions from those of the disease. Instead of blaming me for destroying my body and digestive system, she was able to recognize that I didn't choose this for myself. Rather, she knew that my mind had been taken over by a mental illness, which caused me to think irrationally. She still kept me accountable for fighting the disease and diminishing its power over me, but by telling me that it wasn't my fault that I had developed an eating disorder, I no longer saw myself as the enemy–it was the disease I had to fight, not myself.

Make sure they get the proper help they need. This is the most detrimental piece of advice to follow. Whether it be seeing a therapist, talking with a nutritionist or having an assessment with a doctor that specializes in eating disorders it's crucial that your loved one gets the right treatment they need. Unless you are a trained, professional specialist with eating disorders, you will only be able to support them so much. If they need inpatient-treatment (which requires them to live in a clinic until they are physically and mentally stable) and they're skeptical about putting their life on hold, remind them that the rest of their life can wait, but their health cannot. If they attempt to handle it themselves, defeating their eating disorder will be a much longer process with more likelihood to result in relapsing.